Magic & Bird – The Random, The Strange and The Horrible: Recent Pop Culture Developments

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New year, new us

Eric:  Hello, my faithful monkeys. I hope you all are having a fucking terrible wonderful first three months of the new year. I only expect the worst from you all, so hopefully you people can impress me by showing some type of sense in 2014. If not, we here at Totally Unapologetic will be here point you in the right direction. For those of you who have been living under a rock, we’ve gotten past music month and that would usually require a celebration of sorts. Last year, after music month had finished, I found myself lying absolutely drained of any and all thoughts of which had been even remotely blog related. My brain had melted into a puddle  of goo and I was diagnosed with PBSD(post-blogmatic stress disorder) Long story short, I didn’t post something again until November.

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This year, there will be no PBSD because I realize now that leaving you fools alone without your lovely intellectual saviors of the world would only leave the world in shambles like it did before. We’re working towards cleaning the mess of which you helpless, mindless children have left since our last Magic and Bird post. Yes, these are recent developments of which we have come across over time and some are indeed strange, and others are flat out random and horrible. That’s the world, my stupid little friends. Since we have been busy with music month, we feel as though the internet has not had it’s proper dosage of clarity, consciousness and rape-age, so without further ado we present to you the random, the strange and the horrible.

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroger’s “Let Me Go”

Eric: I heard this one while listening to the radio in my car in December, and for the next three weeks I thought it was seriously a nightmare I was having. When I heard the hubby and wife’s duet I froze and then went through the following stages of emotion:

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I quickly turned off my radio, pulled the car over and wept for a good ten minutes. A few weeks after this happened, I saw the music video trending on YouTube. I then realized that I didn’t have a nightmare and that this fucking thing actually existed. On top of that, it was receiving radio play to the public.  This is the anti-Brock Lesnar scream.This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. And no, that doesn’t mean I’ve lived a pretty good life if this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I’ve seen some pretty awful stuff in my time. This track was released in October and it’s radio airplay had peaked in December. Needless to say, it ruined my Christmas. I’d like to note that this track was released around the same time as Ke$ha and Flo-rida’s “Timber”. Moral of the story? Horrible things come in packs. The only thing that could be worse than these two songs being released in the same month is Ke$ha, Chad Kroger, Avril Lavigne, Flo-Rida and Pitbull releasing a single together. Yea, I said it. I’m a sick bastard. But honestly, who’s to say that people wouldn’t eat that shit up if it happened?

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Nick:  I think Ke$ha, Chad Kroger, Avril Lavigne, Flo-Rida and Pitbull releasing a single together is the plot of the next Saw movie. I’m gonna try to quickly put my feelings about Chad and Avril aside and give a brief, objective review of this song. *ahem* IT BLOWWWWSSSSSSSS. Seriously. It’s like Evanescence, but if they sucked. Wait, what? Evanescence does suck? Oh, well that makes this an even bigger piece of shit than it was 30 seconds ago. Neither of them sing very well. Neither can write a song worth a damn. And don’t even get me started on the video. You know what goes great with ball gowns, grand pianos, and large Victorian mirrors? Tablets. Sony tablets. Video chatting. In an abandoned mansion. On a Sony tablet. I know for a FACT there is no wi-fi in that dusty old mansion. This is like in Batman and Robin when Batman whips out the Bat credit-card to bid on a dance with Poison Ivy. It’s product placement somehow making an awful thing worse.

If I had to sum it all up in two words, I’d go with “Fuck Canada.”

Brock Lesnar is a baby/terrified woman/pterodactyl

Nick:  As you may or may not know, Brock Lensar is an NCAA Champion wrestler who became a professional wrestler and then a football player and then a professional wrestler again and then UFC Heavyweight Champion and then a professional wrestler again again. He’s a busy guy. But he’s terrifying. Look at his traps. Holy Jesus shit, right? A lot of people vaguely familiar with the world of professional wrestling notice that Brock never talks-he always has someone do it for him. Why? This is why. When you hear any noise of any kind come out of this guy’s mouth, everything intimidating about him disappears. When he lets out a scream like this, he goes from ass-kicking machine to infant Incredible Hulk. If it wasn’t live TV, there is no way in hell anyone could convince me this isn’t a voice-over. I “get” some things most people don’t “get.” I’ve got a pretty good grasp on the principles of quantum physics. I’ve decaffeinated tea before. But I just don’t get this. This noise is not human. And even if it was, this isn’t the human I’d pick to make it.

Eric:  This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m serious. When this happened my DirecTV box went apeshit(because it clearly couldn’t handle a shriek of this magnitude) so I missed it when it happened live, but for the next two weeks after that I watched this video over and over again. It hasn’t got any less funnier to me( because I’m a child) but it’s honestly been the best thing that has happened this year, last year, or in any year ever. It absolutely makes no sense that a man that big could produce such a squeal. Brock must spend his spare time soaring above the backwoods of Minneapolis stalking/swooping down to massacre helpless animals, all while letting out this wonderful battle cry. And I’m sure he most definitely purifies himself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka after doing all of this. This is all pure speculation, mind you. It’s not like I stalk Brock or anything…..

Jack White loves Yeezus

Eric: Yes, folks, you heard it here. Jack White’s favorite album of 2013 was Yeezus, and on top of that his favorite song of the past year was “New Slaves”. I don’t find this to be all that surprising considering White’s love for minimalism and noisey music. What I did find surprising was his appearance backstage at the Yeezus tour show at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn and this picture of him with Busta Rhymes, A Tribe Called Quest and Dave Chappelle!

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This picture is beautiful in so many different ways. Jack sticks out like a gay black man at a Republican National Convention. And I’m sure he enjoyed himself somehow. I saw the Boardwalk Hall show just recently and I feel as though everyone, whether you like Kanye or not, should see it. It was filled with theatrics, and, to me, felt more than just a concert.  White also confirmed that he is working on a new album, so I guess not all things are bad in the world.

Nick:  In It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, character Mac sends his idol, Chase Utley, a fan letter. Just watch. That, pretty much, is the letter I plan on writing to Jack White. Now, I’d probably send it via carrier pigeon or pony express or something cause I know he’s into that vintage shit. How cool is Jack White? I don’t know, but here he is building a goddamn guitar on a farm using wood, string, and a coke bottle. His record company’s building in Nashville is basically a Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory for music. He doesn’t even own a cellphone. What a badass! Anyway, I figured the whole Yeezus thing could be the topic of conversation that kickstarts our friendship. I like Yeezus and “New Slaves.” You like Yeezus and “New Slaves.” Let’s like Yeezus and “New Slaves” together.

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Our Jack White gif collection here at Totally Unapologetic is nothing short of spectacular

Eric touched upon this briefly, but it’s worth looking into the Jack White year ahead. Neil Young’s next album will be released on White’s label, Third Man Records. He’s playing the Bonnaroo and Governor’s Ball music festivals in June (if all goes according to plan, we’ll both be at Governor’s Ball). The Dead Weather-another of one his projects- has released two songs so far in 2014. They can be found on Spotify if you feel so inclined. And, of course, he’s got a new album coming out probably this year. I’m looking forward to it. All of it.

Everyone Hates Justin Bieber

Eric: If you’ve been living under a rock for the past month or so. You wouldn’t know that Justin Bieber went to jail for driving under the influence, with an expired license, yadda yadda yadda. You know the story, and I don’t feel like restating information that everyone apparently knows. Here’s my take on this whole situation. Usually, I like to take the time out to make fun of celebrities and such, but right now I feel as though I should darken the mood for a moment and speak some truth.

Who really cares? Honestly. I don’t particularly share the hatred for Justin Bieber like everyone else does. I think it’s kind of a waste of energy to hate someone who hasn’t really affected my life in any way. The entire reaction to Bieber’s troubles are a reflection of where the focus of the American public is in 2014. I honestly don’t think people who hate on him can give me a valid reason that actually doesn’t make them sound like an idiot. On one hand, I believe that Bieber’s categorization as a “Pop Star” is kind of misleading because he has 10 times more popular news stories about his antics than he does popular songs, but then again that’s what a pop star is in 2014. What it takes to be a pop star in 2014 is not actual music but behavior outside the music. Why should we hate Bieber for our own stupidity? We made his celebrity by paying attention to him more than we do the real news regarding what is  actually going on in the world. Things that are actually affecting us. Just know this, the average human being can probably give me five, maybe ten facts about Justin Bieber, but can’t give me five facts about what’s happening with the White House. People should just keep their ridiculously over-dramatic opinions about Bieber’s arrest to themselves because it does nothing but give us a reason to continue riding the road of stupidity. Bieber is a 19 year-old with tons upon tons of money, and what a surprise! He’s acting like a 19 year-old with tons upon tons of money! People forget that celebrities are just like us, but the only difference is that they have a lot of money. Stop your bitching, hating and bashing. Enjoy life. Read a book(or Totally Unapologetic), go outside, drink a beer, squeal like a man-lady, go skydiving, get laid, pay your bills,  watch two dogs do the dirty, just do something productive and move on. Nick, say somethin’ stupid

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*Drops Mic*

Nick: Well. That was pretty insightful. I guess the only thing I can really do now is say a bunch of stupid stuff. So I will. First of all, I think Bieber’s kind of a douche. But so am I! We’d probably be good friends. I’m not gonna talk about his run-ins with the law, cause let’s be honest here. If I had his money and connections, I’d be dead by now. So dead. Dead beyond belief. So I’d like to take this opportunity to talk about the finer articles from JB’s wardrobe instead.

jb-hatThis hat is a statement. It’s a statement that says “I murdered Bowser and now I’m wearing his hide as a hat to tell all the other evil turtle dragon dinosaur things not to fucks with me.”

bieber-audi-printThis is Bieber’s Audi R8. Gotta imagine he got matching underwear with it. No doubt in my mind this is EXACTLY how the engineers intended it. Henry Ford would be proud. Even though Audi is German. Whatever.

justin-bieber-billboard-awards-2So much leather. So so much leather. Why is he wearing all this leather? I blame the 80’s. I would like to retroactively destroy the 80’s, just because of this picture.

Batman vs. Superman/Man of Steel 2/Who Gives a Shit?/What’s the Title? is Canceled Postponed/Jesse Eisenberg is Lex Luthor

Nick: Seriously, what in the hell is this movie called? Batman vs. Superman? Batman and Superman? Ben Affleck Adventures? Man of Steel 2? Man of Steel meets Man of Man? Does anybody even care? According to wikipedia, it’s “untitled.” Maybe that’s why they pushed it back a year, they just couldn’t think of a gosh-darn name. Anyway, Zack Snyder is good at what he does. One of the best. If anybody could make this work…it’s Christopher Nolan. But Snyder is a pretty good choice too. I have faith in him.

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I, like most comic book movie fans, was initially baffled by the casting of Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor. He’s definitely Jewish enough, but he just doesn’t seem to scream “megalomaniac supervillain.” I’ve thought about it some more, though, and I think he’ll be fine. He’s gotta do something about the hair. Shave it, wax it, burn it, whatever-get that head as shiny as you can, I’m not gonna stand for a Lex Luthor with a curly fro. But Eisenberg has showed some impressive in his relatively young career (unlikely a certain caped costar of his). Basically, all he’s doing is playing Mark Zuckerberg again. Keep the genius and the cash, just turn down the Aspergers and turn up the narcissism. Ditch the flip flops too.

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Nothing super-evil about that

Eric: Honestly, this could be a blessing in disguise. Assembling all the components for a film of this magnitude to where it actually works is supposed to take long and setting a 2015 release date wasn’t exactly going to help that. So, I’m glad Warner Bros. is giving Zack Snyder and co. 10 extra months to make Man of Steel 2(?) work. It makes me think that the folks at the WB aren’t entirely about making money while giving us crap, but instead about making that crap seem less crappy.

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The Dark Knight Returns 2018

Here’s what makes me worry. Sometimes, films that get pushed back end up being really bad. Mainly because there happens to be a myriad of problems with the film that can’t be fixed in time and usually they carry over when they are “fixed” by the new release date. It’s one of those signs that the film shouldn’t even have been made in the first place.  They’re still casting people and as far as I know there’s not really an established plot or plan for any of the other DC heroes to appear in their own films like Marvel did with their cinematic universe. DC/Warner Bros. is just like “We’re gonna do Justice League…..soon….and stuff…..” it all just seems like one big clusterfuck to try and keep up with Marvel’s dominance in the blockbuster department. What DC/Warner Bros. has giving us is a very weird cast and no real plan in terms of where it’s cinematic universe is headed to. Speaking of strange casting, Jesse Eisenberg was cast as Lex Luthor a few weeks back and while I do enjoy his acting, he seems to be a bit miscast, much like Affleck as Bats. I was totally expecting WB to cast someone who’s a buzzin’ like Brian Cranston or someone older to play Lex but I guess Snyder and Warner Bros. were looking for longevity and with that comes a much younger actor in Eisenberg. When I say longevity, I mean that we’re probably getting multiple sequels of Eisenberg as Lex. On the bright side, now I know the storyline will probably be based around Lex Zuckerberg taking over the world through Facebook, in which Superman calls on the technologically-savvy Batfleck to assist him in taking Lex and his global empire(Facebook) down, featuring Michael Cera as Robin. Oh, and all of this will be scored by Trent Reznor.

The Human Torch is Black, but his sister is White.

The new Fantastic Four, from left to right: Miles Teller(Mr. Fantastic), Kate Mara(The Invisible Woman), Michael B. Jordan (The Human Torch) and Jamie Bell (The Thing)

Eric: In other strange superhero movie news, Michael B. Jordan was cast as Johnny Storm in the Fantastic Four reboot. Now, I have a problem with this not because Johnny Storm was never black in the comic series but because Kate Mara, a white woman was cast as the Sue Storm aka the Invisible Woman.  If you didn’t know Sue and Johnny are brother and sister. And if you’re keeping track of skin color that doesn’t really work with how the casting of the reboot has worked out. Unless, of course, you’re gonna say that Johnny and Sue are both adopted, which creates a weird plot hole. I really love that Michael B. Jordan was cast to play the role of Johnny Storm, because I thought he was brilliant in Fruitvale Station and I honestly think we need more black actors and actresses getting big, blockbuster roles like this, but they’ve kind of pigeonholed him by casting Mara as his sister.

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I suppose that 20th Century Fox feared having two black actors in these big roles because that’s just how Hollywood is. It’s very hard for black actors to really get their credit because it just seems that big time studios don’t see as much money in black actors and actresses in leading roles as much as they do white actors and actresses. I don’t want to get into a racial discussion, but that’s just how it is. If it wasn’t the case then we would see more black men and women in blockbuster roles. If the role of Sue Storm had gone to a black actress then 20th Century Fox would also have to confront the imaginary, self-created hurdle of having a white Reed Richards being romantically interested in a black Sue Storm because Hollywood doesn’t really believe in the interracial couple thing. Regardless, I’m glad to see a talented, up and comer actor like Michael B. Jordan get a big time role like this.

In blog related news…..

Our last “Magic and Bird” was met by one critic who decided to let us know by delivering an impassioned statement in the comments section that he disagreed with everything we had to say. His name is Michael Voigt, you can follow him on twitter here. Mr. Voigt’s comments left an impression on your favorite voices of reason and we’ve decided to address those comments right here, right now. So, Mr. Voigt, if you’re reading this. We are personally extending an invitation to have a debate with the founding fathers of Totally Unapologetic in the near future. You may come down from your perch and recognize this invitation in the comments(if you dare) or just @ us on twitter if you’re “’bout dat life”.

Sincerely,

Eric and Nick

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