STATE OF THE BLOG ADDRESS
ERIC: Well, well, well. Hello there blogaholics, creeps, mark ass marks, trick ass marks, punk bitches, skip scap skanks, scallywags, hoes, heffers, hee haws and hoolie hoos. It’s been a while(not Staind) since you last heard from your two most handsome,
angry , loving and charming bloggers in the entire universe. We are back, with some newsy news for y’all ugly ass muhthuhfuhquhs. The last time we struck the internet we were discussing the most recent pop culture developments and so forth but today we’re talking some groundbreaking shit(figuratively and literally(?)). And if I can go off on a tangent for a moment, I’d like to say that every time I think I’m done with this blerg, I keep being brought back into this cesspool that is the world wide web. Why? Well, I don’t know. Sometimes I actually am sympathetic to all of you. Its a vicious cycle. My life is a shit show that never goes off tour. Thus why I am here, standing on my soapbox, shouting at the mindless sheep who are sick enough to listen, answering my own questions, wondering why I haven’t shot myself in the face yet. This is my life. The world is a vampire. Fuck this, I’m gonna go grab some whiskey.
NICK: Sounds like a good time for me to step in. I’m sorry it’s been so long since you’ve heard from us, guys. I’m really not. At all. But lucky for me, it’s a lot harder for people to tell you’re a sociopath over the internet.
One way or another, the blog is back and you should be happy. Why’s it back? Because I need your validation. Have you seen how much I tweet? It’s a serious problem. I need you to look at me. LOOK AT ME. PLEASE. I DESPERATELY NEED YOU TO PAY ATTENTION TO ME. Also, we’ve got news. Big news. And here it is: I’m officially announcing I will be running for the office of President of the United States of America in 2016. I think I’ve paid my dues and I have the experience and skills necessary to succeed in the Oval Office. We hope the Gatt1/Cortes ticket can count on your vote next next November. Okay, maybe that’s not really the news. But how cool would that be? The first thing I’d do is declare Ben Affleck an enemy of the state. Fuck you, Ben Affleck.
Seeing as Eric is the, if you will, “architect” of this news, I’ll let him do the official reveal. Suffice it to say, we’re moving up in the world.
ERIC: Back, whiskey-less, and even more of a
psycho angel than I was before I went on a whiskey hunt. Despite all my rage, still just a rat in a cage, etc. Big Announcement time. HOO-AH!
And by the way, if I’m the architect of this news then Nick is most certainly the witch doctor of this post. Do I need to explain that? Yes, but do I want to?
ANYWHO, time for the BIG HUGE GROUNDBREAKING ANNOUNCEMENT THAT WILL CHANGE ALL OF YOUR STUPID, MEANINGLESS LIVES FOR THE BETTER. Drumroll, MONKEY!
Actually…Dave, take it away…
Nick and I would like to announce officially that we will be launching a podcast. THE TOTALLY UNAPOLOGETIC PODCAST. Yes, you read that sentence correctly. We are launching our podcast within the next two weeks. Frequent hatred via audio from your intellectual saviors of the unwashed masses. We couldn’t afford doing some sort of video show, because we’re too pretty for that. We would never show our faces to you fools on a consistent basis for free. Don’t expect any video bloggin anytime soon. Meanwhile, check out this super complex, flashy, intricate logo we got for the casting of the pods.
Yup. There it is, in all of it’s glory. It brings tears to my eyes. Truly beautiful. Almost as beautiful as a pizza wrapped in bacon. Nick, make me cry.
NICK: Just click here and let the tears flow. Look at that logo. Imagine the possibilities. It makes me wanna just…
On a serious note, (or, at least, a note as serious as my nonsense garbage brain permits) I find this very exciting. If you like the blog and/or us, I think you’ll enjoy it. It’ll essentially be a long-form version of the ridiculousness we already spew on here, complete with even more gratuitous cursing and outright assholery. A less polished approach to delivering our message to the masses, maybe, but a more streamlined one. We’ll totally be even more unapologetic, mostly because spoken word has no backspace button and every time we say “we can edit that out, right?” we definitely aren’t editing it out. If, for some unfounded reason, you don’t like the blog and/or us, take solace in the fact I really fuckin’ hate the sound of my own voice and I’m going to have to listen to it a ton doing this. Do you know how much I sacrifice?
THE TOTALLY UNAPOLOGETIC PODCAST. Coming soon to an Internets near you.