My name is Eric. I am in no way related to Eric’s II through VI of Denmark, Eric Wright (better known as Eazy-E), Eric Northman aka that creepy vampire from True Blood(in actuality, all vampires are creepy), Eric Forman(That’s 70’s Show) and so on and so forth. Long story short, I am the very best thing named Eric on any side of the Mississippi(this includes people, cats, dogs, dugongs, narwhals, sloths, aliens etc.) I started this blog because I simply didn’t have enough money to pay for a psychiatrist to talk about my trials and tribulations. It also seemed like the opportune time to begin my world take over, starting with the vicious, conspiracy conglomerate machine that is the internet. While I thought blogging was exactly what I needed to start a world internet takeover(if that makes any sense), something was sorely missing from this grand scheme of mine. I sat and thought. It hadn’t hit me which exact piece I had been missing from this oh so enigmatic puzzle of mine that called for world destruction. Suddenly, this light bulb illuminated over my head like a floodlight in the night sky. An idea hit me like the football that hit Marcia Brady in the face when she broke her nose. I needed a partner in crime. So then I thought hard about who could join me on my rendezvous of destruction and pure randomosity (yes, I said randomosity) If you could see this scene play out, it would probably be quite similar to when the Grinch was plotting how he was going to go all coup de grace on Whoville; Who could it be? Is someone actually worthy to share a blog with me? I wonder. And just then, the heavens opened up and an individual with the looks of Cillian Murphy, ruthlessness of a savage piranha, speed of a mongoose and the brain of Bobby Heenan descended from the clouds to grace me with his presence. ALAS! The greatest force in the history of the internet was born, now that’s my story. Now its time to hand it over to my partner in crime. This man needs no introduction, but I’ll give it to him anyway.
GIVE IT UP FOR NICK GATTONE *cue applause* *crowd roars*
Thank you. Thank you all. You’re too kind. No, seriously- you’re too kind. Shut the hell up, I’m talking now. *crowd knows their role and shuts their mouth* Ladies and gentleman, I cannot emphasize enough the importance of what you are witnessing right now; this is the dawning of a new age. This is the beginning of the end for the Internet as we know it. When Eric offered me the opportunity of working with him on this linguistic doomsday device, it was simply impossible to turn down. Imagine Larry Bird and Magic Johnson deciding to make their own team in the mid-80’s. Then multiply the awesomeness of that by 10. Then multiply by 10 again. The result will STILL be nowhere close the magnitude of this collaboration. “Totally Unapologetic” is not only our name, but our creed- our mission statement. We will- and this is a promise- ruthlessly tear through the social and cultural fabric of the postmodern world. We are an unstoppable force. Nothing is sacred. Nothing is safe. It has begun. World…prepare your anus.
Signed(with love, of course)
Eric Cortes, Nick Gattone